Purgatory

Having a mental illness is probably a really great lesson in non-judgment, a key tenet of Buddhism. But it's pretty hard not to judge oneself. Am I okay today? Am I irritable? Am I being triggered? Am I doing too much? Too little? When do you listen to that voice that says "I'm too fucking tired and don't want to do anything" and when do you motor through?

I'm just not sure. But I do know that judging myself or my mental state at any given time isn't a recipe for success. I end up just feeling worse. So today perhaps I will try to be as non-judgmental as possible. This is no small task, because I've been known to be Judgy McJudgypants on more than one occasion. We all judge, certainly, and I'm my own harshest critic. So perhaps lightening up would be a good thing.

I'm a bit out of sorts today. Not so much structure and time to think. That's when the judgments come in. I find myself feeling fat and ugly and boring and all those things you can feel if you're fighting the spectre of depression that lurks on the periphery, waiting to strike. It's like a shadow, really. It's always there, but you can't always see it and it's not always a problem.

In related news, I just submitted my National Novel Writing Month novel to be critiqued--talk about judgment! Eek. But I want to do more than write a shit ton of words and then close the file and forget about it. Writing is my salvation, so I must continue to do it. Sharing some of it feels like a good direction, especially my writing about mental illness. There's not much out there, but what I have seen is pretty excellent. (See Jenny Lawson, Allie Brosh.) I'd count myself quite flattered to be compared to either of them.

But I'm uniquely me, for good and for ill, so that's where I'm at.

Do not judge lest ye be judged, isn't that from The Bible? The Buddha was way into non-judgment. He also posited that it is all up to you, how you think, how you act, that nobody else is responsible for you and your feelings and thoughts but you. That's something to live up to. But well worth doing.

Wish me luck.