A New Beginning

Welcome to my attempts at being a more moderate, in-the-now kind of person. I've been inspired by so many Buddhist books and concepts, and while it's all well and good to read about them, one has to PRACTICE.

I started meditating about five months ago. I really like it. It's so simple yet difficult. It can really help you get objective about emotional situations and concepts when you can focus on your breath. I have tons of books on meditation, too.

That's because I had a major shopping addiction and every time I got a new Shambhala Sun magazine, I'd go to the book reviews and buy the books they suggested in a frenzy of self-help mania. I was also supplying classroom fixins and supplies for the preschool class I was teaching, plus clothes as a reward for all my hard work, so I was in way over my head in terms of the whole shopaholic thing. I've been working on reducing it for over a year now and I'm in a much better place today than I was. But shopping still scares me. It almost puts me in a fugue state.

In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter. But in the grand scheme, what matters is trying to live life mindfully and embracing the moment and that may sound frou frou but it's true and it works.

I'm a deeply flawed individual with multiple mental health challenges, and Buddhism is a very wise way to handle these things. So I am striving to be a Buddhist, though I'm too socially awkward to join a sangha with actual people, so right now it's just me and my Buddha nature, I guess.

I've had a really shitty year and there are days when I don't want to get out of bed. But writing has often been my salvation, and I'm leaning on it now more than ever. It grounds me. I guess it's meditative in its own way. It's certainly reflective, even though I mocked all the reflective papers we had to write in grad school. Reflection is a good thing, done in moderation. Just like everything else.

So we'll see what happens.