Coming to Terms

So I'm finding myself caught between a rock and a hard place. I decided to take this month off from volunteering at my kids' school. I had been teaching improv and French to early elementary school aged kids. It was sort of fun, but left me drained and feeling like I'm both dying to get back into the game and nowhere near ready, nor if I ever will be.

I spent six months in a hypomanic state at work lead teaching two year olds and I'm starting to think that I may not just be burnt out on teaching little kids, but maybe I am just burnt out on teaching. Yes, I am drawn to it, but isn't that because I've always done it? It's been my default. I've always wanted to be a writer, a performer, an expressive arts therapist or theatre education facilitator. I don't want to teach second grade or preschool or even adorable Kindergarten. 

I think I'm burnt out pretty severely.

And I don't know what to do about it. It was always my way to serve the world, to teach. I could feel like I was doing right action because though it always paid terribly, I was bringing joy into other people's lives and that gave me satisfaction and purpose. And I'm pretty damn good at it.

So the question is, do I stop teaching, period, or just stop teaching little kids? I can't separate the two and yet this needs to be addressed. Part of my OCD is excessive worrying about responsibility. So why would I subject myself to taking care of little kids when I worry about them every minute? I think I need a new line of work. Or volunteering. 

My husband told me the other night that he thought the worst thing about my breakdown this year was that it shook my confidence. And he's right about that. In a profound way, my confidence in my abilities was shaken, and I don't know when I'll get it back, at least in the teaching profession.

The irony is not lost on me that only last week, after numerous badgering emails, did I finally get a copy of my Master's degree in Early Childhood Education graduation certificate from the school I attended. I have it, now what do I do with it?

Maybe I'll write children's books. I don't know what to do.

The truth is, I need what little "kid energy" to give to my own kids, not other people's. Teaching and being responsible for other people's children makes me want to run the other way. I fantasize about a job as a part time receptionist at a hair salon or something. What does that mean?

Am I just trying to get blood from a stone with this volunteering? Should I steer clear of teaching altogether? Or do I try to parlay this part time volunteering gig into an actual working gig for next year, if that's even feasible. Or do I go back to work at the arts agency where I worked my ass off for a pittance but made little kids happy and expressive. 

I think maybe I'm sick of teaching improv and French. I've been doing it on and off for decades and I'm just tired of it. And tired of (most) kids.

Is it time to embrace that and find some other option for volunteering? Or do I keep going because I'm good at it and it gets me out of the house? Surely there are other places I could be helpful.

Good thing I just found a good new therapist. I'm gonna need her.