Feeling mostly okay these past few days, which is a big improvement. I'm coming off a five day on again, off again, migraine. But that's not important. What's important is I feel mostly human again, which is a real treat, frankly.
I'm trying to give my best and my all to my family, since they are my top priority. I also resolved this year to lose weight and get a good therapist. And I want to consider joining a sangha, which would be a huge step for me. I'm scared to go to a new doctor, let alone enter into relationship with an entire community of new people. Plus there are always logistics, child care issues, parking. And at this time of year, I don't feel like doing anything that takes me outside of my little warm bubble at home.
That may not be the best choice. I need to be around people. But it's so cold they're closing the schools tomorrow so I won't be alone tomorrow!
But seriously, I need to get out, at least some. Getting dressed beyond sweats is a good thing, even though it takes great effort. I also want to just enjoy my good fortune: i have few obligations other than parenting (not to minimize it because it's huge, natch) so I can give myself a chance to heal and be more available for my immediate family. I'm trying to let go of needing an occupation or vocation apart from existing as a wife and mother. Our tendencies as humans are to lead us into wanting conventional, outward success: am I successful because I pick my kids up from the bus every day after school or because I'm a highly-paid lawyer? (Pretty far-fetched, but work with me here.)
We've defined ourselves by external standards of success, leaving buried our good intentions and innate goodness and ability to just be a decent person. That's what I'm most interested in right now. Being of benefit to a handful of other people and not being harmful to myself. Because as Buddha said, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
Words to live by. Perhaps tomorrow's post we'll look at the culture of self-loathing in the Western world. Or we'll talk about my cats.
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