Gimme my Phone!

So I've been off the grid for the past two weeks in more ways than one.  Not only did I leave my computer at home for my vacation, but I inadvertently left my cell phone, too. Horrors!

I was in a panic when I realized I'd left it up in our bedroom, charging in the docking station. I spent the next four hours in low level anxiety, trying to problem solve ways for my husband to MAIL me my phone, even though I didn't really need it. By the end of the day, I was still shaken, but hopeful of a plan to get the phone across the border to Canada one way or the other.

But after a few days, when I started to realize that I really didn't need it that much (I virtually turn it off while we're out of the country, to avoid all those pesky roaming charges), I gave up on putting my husband through mail order hell to deliver something to me I didn't need but was merely addicted to.

I was able to check my email on my mom's computer, which satisfied my inner tech beast's daily requirement of screen time. But I learned something valuable: something I thought was SO vital, SO essential to my daily life, just wasn't. It was a non-issue.

I had worried, natch, about flying home with two kids and no phone for logistics, but we managed perfectly well and didn't need a text play by play to meet my husband at the baggage claim. We just met there. No phone needed.

So I got myself a healthy dose of humble pie; I do not need to be a slave to my phone. I fear many of us are, and the trend to have our faces aimed at screens for much of the day is not my idea of a wonderful world. This experience taught me to let go, yet again proving that Buddhism is the most sensible philosophy I know.

Making a Plan

I've noticed that my anxiety has gone done quite a bit since I made a schedule and plan for this current week, which is chock filled with trainings, packing, trains, camps, and errands. I'm not saying I'm going to stick exactly to my plan, since that rarely happens, but having the plan is the thing. I think some people call it "setting your intentions".

That's pretty much what I'm doing: laying out each day and parsing the different things I have to do on a micro level, so that they don't all have to be done at the last minute, half-assed, or frenetically.

I didn't even use my phone or an app or special software to do it. I did use the computer, JUST TO TYPE. I know, I'm so old school.

So I typed up a list of the days and the activities required therein. And I just checked off today as a solid success. Done and done.

Tomorrow there will be more errands, but I'm calm because I have a plan to refer to. If we needed to, we could be out the door in under an hour, by throwing together the snacks I've got, making lunch, and finishing packing. We're a good way there already and it's only Monday, which is great because my end of the week is FULL. So I'm sorting stuff out while I can.

This makes me less anxious and more peaceful. I like it. Now I can just be for an hour before dinner. That makes me happy.

Change

Taking care of two intelligent, active children is no joke. There are ups and downs all day, especially since they are both oozing into tweendom these days. It's little refusals, digging in of heels, that show evidence of individuation, which is healthy and normal and developmentally appropriate, I know.

But it still tugs at my heart that they don't need me the way they used to. I know that probably sounds wierd, because of COURSE they still need me, perhaps now more than ever, but there are now purgatorial blocks of time in the day when they no longer need me. I remember when they were little, I couldn't wait for nap time, for a break. Now it seems "nap time" is most of the time, with intermittent clashes and/or drama and the need to check in with Mom.

Again, I'm not complaining about this. It is teaching me new skills; staying nonreactive in intense situations, keeping perspective, and letting them grow into themselves with as little restriction as possible.

It always comes back to letting go, doesn't it?

Being Now

Why is it so hard to stay in the moment? I'm asking because I truly don't know. We spend so much of our time ruminating about the pass or fussing about the future. Is that hard-wired and if so, how can we rewire it?

I think the answer does lie in changing our thoughts. Because we now know the brain has neuroplasticity, so that means you can teach an old dog a new trick after all.

I'm trying to stay in the moment, but what do you do when the moment is kind of uninspired and dull? I feel as thought I can't see the forest for the trees.

Yesterday as I was jogging, I noticed myself actually paying attention to being present, and it was aweosme. I was enjoying  something at the SAME TIME it was ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Wow. Those feelings are rare indeed. I hope to change that by trying to really tune in to whatever I'm doing it.

Like right now, I am writing this blog post, and I am in this moment in time. And it is good.

Just have to to keep chugging along and trying to stay in the NOW. Eventually, hopefully, my brain will catch up.

Drop the Rope

A new tween event seems to be on the horizon--the refusal to eat. I don't understand it, and it could drive you batshit, but I can't seem to get my kids to EAT at regular mealtimes. I know, it's the summer and the schedule is out the window, but the more I offer or push, the more they push back, sneaking carbs and waiting me out.

A wise woman once told me you don't feed your children, you "present" the food to your children and they either eat it or they don't. There's no forcing involved. Present the food and then get out of the way. A child will not willfully starve.

Because I think, especially at this age, kids want to be independent and can at times resent you for being too helpful or solicitous. At least, that's the vibe I'm getting from my kids, especially my eleven year old.

So it comes down to being in a tug of war where you just have to drop the rope and walk away. And wait. Because eventually the child will eat, the clothes will get put away, and the shower will get taken. All in good time. Patience is a must.

 Just drop the rope.

Mellowing Out

I have decided to be a mellower person. I know it isn't as easy as all that, but still, I 'm going to try. When my kids blast their music, I will not yell. When they let the cats out, I will not freak out. When they don't pick their things up, I will not get irritated.

Maybe I'm setting the bar too high but life is short and I am sick to death of spending my hours worrying.

This also covers the concept of guilt. As my wise psychiatrist told me years ago, "Guilt is Bogus." My equally wise current psychiatrist suggested I take specific "Guilt Free" times during the day. Just tell myself "I'm not going to feel guilty about _______ for the next hour." 

It works!

So I'm heading down the mellow brick road (sorry) and we'll see how well I stay on the middle path. 

Mindful=Peaceful

I'm doing more meditating. I find mindfulness meditation really interesting, since you follow your feelings instead of letting them float by like clouds like you do in what I guess is typical inhale/exhale sitting meditation. So with mindfulness meditation you, at least according to Sharon Salzburg, identify the feelings, deconstruct them, feel them out, so to speak. Then you can let them go.

On more than one occasion i've felt some tears flow down as I meditate, but the feelings don't destroy me. I have all kinds of bad thoughts and feelings and the key is that they end. They pass. They are ephemeral. It's like that joke about weather in pretty much everywhere but Ecuador--"You don't like the weather? Wait five minutes and it'll change."

So over-reacting to feelings and negative thoughts, as I have been wont to do my entire life thus far, is just not the way to go. I guess the opposite is under-reacting. Taking things in, looking at them, letting them go. I think I'm getting better at that, which is awesome because it prevents me from turning a wisp of something into some big drama with gnashing of teeth and public hysteria.

And I'm all for that.