Home/Hearth/Health

These past few days have driven home my new credo: health starts at home. Home is where the heart is, and it's where the soul is, and the state of your family depends on a harmonious home.

Our house hasn't been harmonious in over a year. The tumult of a new mental illness diagnosis and a botched attempt to work full time threw everyone in my family into a spin that we are only now beginning to recover from. (And yes, I know I ended that sentence incorrectly, it's just something you'll have to deal with.) (Ha ha.)

Today I made homemade soup and chocolate chip banana bread and I made another call to another place that I hope will help my husband and I to help our son with his high anxiety and OCD. I call that a good day. I did for others more than for myself and that is going to pay off in harmony.

I've been so obsessed with my own issues and professional future, I lost sight of the most important thing: family harmony. I'm not saying I won't ever work full time, but right now it is not a good idea for a myriad of reasons, primarily the fact that it would throw us back into tumult, which is the last thing we need after the past eighteen months.

I think by tending to our environment, I'm also helping with family comfort and positive well-being. So I guess it's sort of tending to your own yard before worrying about anybody else's. What a concept. I could end up baking cookies and organizing some drawers before you know it. But don't expect me to start embroidering a sampler anytime soon. I'm not Martha Stewart (and I never will be, much to my mother in law's chagrin). I mean, let's be realistic. 

Home is where the heart(h) is. Let's keep it simple.

Moving On Grown-Up Style

Another grown-up thing happened to me today. My neighbor approached me after a tiff of sorts estranged us from one another over a year ago. She just came up to me and spoke her piece/peace. I did the same. And now the pathway is clear again for friendship, or at least satisfactory getting along-ship. What a relief.

This whole acting like a grown up is boss. It feels like the air is clearing around me and I'm able to see better. I'm about to start reading David Richo's "How to be an Adult" which I look forward to. I loved his book "The Five Things You Cannot Change". I still refer to it on occasion because he distills such truisms in five categories:  there is pain in life, plans change, people are not loving and loyal all the time, everything changes and ends, and life isn't fair.

Just think of the social skills and grace you could achieve if you truly accepted these truisms. Think of how much happier you'd be! Well worth working on.

So I'll be curious to see how this other book goes. It's got a bit of a woo-woo type vibe, (a little Jungian, too) and doesn't appear as overtly Buddhist as much of his other work is. Maybe he wrote it earlier in his career, because he's pretty darn Buddhist in his newer work.

So we'll see where this takes us on this journey of discovery. It feels good to be making peace and getting on with things. 

Growing Up

For the past two days I have felt more "normal" than I have in months, nay, a year. I think part of the reason is I had a breakthrough in therapy wherein my therapist called me on my shit and made me face some realities that I didn't want to.

It can be very upsetting to be told you're acting immature, especially when you didn't realize what you were doing was immature, but was just the go-to response in crisis. I think I have been relying on fleeing when the going gets tough, and it's time to face up to that and learn to be an adult.

Adults solve problems, they don't run from them. Arguably I am facing my condition head on as an adult, but there are whiffs of "woe is me" that I need to nip in the bud. I am lucky to be where I am today and I am fortunate in my station in life, regardless of any diagnoses I may carry. They needn't be a burden; just obstacles or challenges that I face as an adult.

I do think I'm child like in some ways that are not destructive. I still love Hello Kitty and I'm not ashamed of saying it. But I need to watch that I don't infantalize myself. I am grown, I have children to take care of regardless of my issues or illness. I have the most serious job there is--parenting.

So maybe I'm feeling better because I'm growing up and learning not to give up.

Oh, and the days are getting longer. Viva el sol!

Self Regard

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
                                                                                    --Buddha

Why is this so difficult to do? Every free thinking female I know has self-esteem issues. And I think men do, too; they're just not talking about it like women are. (But I could be wrong.) All of the women I'm close to have self-confidence issues in some or many areas, myself included, obviously.

I've been advised by many a therapist to stop beating myself up, which I understand intellectually, but have trouble enacting psychologically in my day to day life.

Lately I've taken to imagining a version of the venerable Thich Nhat Hanh talking to me, telling me I'm as good as everyone else, that I'm perfect as I am, that I am allowed to be on the earth doing my part to be kind and peaceful. I feel like if I actually met him, I'd faint or burst into tears with exhaustion and relief. I think many of us are waiting for external validation, and that just doesn't always come. One needs to be able to validate oneself. But years of self-flagellation make that difficult.

So I try to summon Thich Nhat Hanh's voice in my head, telling me to savor the moment, that I am loveable and valid as I am. I really need to hear that right now. And I know so many people who do, too.

A true Bodhissatva is a peaceful warrior and who better to make peace with first than yourself? 

Gentler Words, Gentler Mind

It seems so obvious to me now, but I didn't realize how many of my interactions with my kids were simply orders or directions, or even judgements about how long they were taking or things of that nature. I don't think of myself as impatient, but I caught myself being short with my kids when there was no need to be. 

So I made a concerted effort to tread more lightly, and to find the positives (because there are always positives) and not just be the drill sargeant as I am wont to do as a parent.

It has already made a difference in the right direction. There is less tension in the house, drama between the kids is lower, and I feel like a decent person who doesn't bark at her kids.

I'm probably exaggerating about my negativity; I'm not mean and I don't say mean things or attack others verbally. But a cranky tone can set the household tone, and I don't want that to be the tone of my house. We only have these years when we are all under the same roof; best to enjoy them because they are whizzing by.

So a small attitude shift for me has already made a difference with my kids. That's encouraging. 

I'm also finally getting to interview to volunteer at the library. It's been weeks in coming and today I gussied up and am ready to go even though I have a good half hour or more before I need to leave. I'm excited and a little nervous, and also happy to have an opportunity to get out in the world again.

Wish me luck.