Bit by Bit

The Buddha said that "a jug fills drop by drop". This is kind of how I view my healing from the onslaught of the past year. Every day, I am a little bit better, a little bit stronger. I feel well overall, but I know that does not mean I will never swing high and low again. I won't wake up and "not have" this condition, but it doesn't have to drive me. I choose a healthy model, not that of victim or illness-oriented or invalid. I have wonky brain chemistry and I need to watch out for myself more than the average bear, but a diagnosis does not have to define or, worst of all, invalidate me. I can be strong and successful on my own schedule.

What I do know, or have come to understand, is that if I keep watch on my swings, they need never be as severe as last year's. Not that I won't have some highs and dips, but they do not have to be so awful because I am tuned into myself much more and at every step ask myself, "Is this good for me in terms of self-regulation or is it not"? That has to be how I inform every decision I make, even the most mundane.

So I am taking things slower than I want to, because I'm still trying to figure out this balancing act on the tightrope. I'm constantly adjusting for wind and other forms of resistance, and there is a safety net below, fortunately, in my friends and family.

And it helps so much that it's actually starting to look and feel a bit like Spring.