It's been awhile. I've been busy living life, so no complaints on my end. I am finding myself embracing my autonomy for the first time in my life, and it feels good. I am also dialing down the drama (that's a good slogan, so alliterative) so that when I start to feel about to be swept away by a thought or feeling, I can meta myself out of it and see how I so often make much ado over absolutely nothing.
I've wasted years of my life making much ado over nothing! It's scandalous. But I won't make the mistake of fussing about that. That'd be sad AND hilarious. Oh my god, I'm worrying about my past worrying!
Anyway, I don't have any pearls of wisdom today. Just trying out my wings and seeing what's out there. Trying to walk the middle road. Always the middle.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Thursday, April 10, 2014
My Ninja Cats
It is nice to share a space with pets. Even though it's dirtier and messier, having a purring furball on your chest can be very therapeutic. I call it "purrrrification", ha. Seriously, I'm glad we got pets six months ago. I hadn't been that keen on the idea of it but it's turning out to be fab.
The two cats we got are sisters and couldn't be more different. They're both hilarious and lovable and even though their litter really stinks, I'd rather have them than not. They keep me company and purr at me and that really makes my day.
I know plenty of people who have therapeutic pets. Your reason for getting a pet may be one thing, but the therapeutic effects are always the bonus. My mother and sister each have dogs who are very much part of the family and good for their mental health as well.
Pets rule. And drool. But you get used to it.
The two cats we got are sisters and couldn't be more different. They're both hilarious and lovable and even though their litter really stinks, I'd rather have them than not. They keep me company and purr at me and that really makes my day.
I know plenty of people who have therapeutic pets. Your reason for getting a pet may be one thing, but the therapeutic effects are always the bonus. My mother and sister each have dogs who are very much part of the family and good for their mental health as well.
Pets rule. And drool. But you get used to it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Bit by Bit
The Buddha said that "a jug fills drop by drop". This is kind of how I view my healing from the onslaught of the past year. Every day, I am a little bit better, a little bit stronger. I feel well overall, but I know that does not mean I will never swing high and low again. I won't wake up and "not have" this condition, but it doesn't have to drive me. I choose a healthy model, not that of victim or illness-oriented or invalid. I have wonky brain chemistry and I need to watch out for myself more than the average bear, but a diagnosis does not have to define or, worst of all, invalidate me. I can be strong and successful on my own schedule.
What I do know, or have come to understand, is that if I keep watch on my swings, they need never be as severe as last year's. Not that I won't have some highs and dips, but they do not have to be so awful because I am tuned into myself much more and at every step ask myself, "Is this good for me in terms of self-regulation or is it not"? That has to be how I inform every decision I make, even the most mundane.
So I am taking things slower than I want to, because I'm still trying to figure out this balancing act on the tightrope. I'm constantly adjusting for wind and other forms of resistance, and there is a safety net below, fortunately, in my friends and family.
And it helps so much that it's actually starting to look and feel a bit like Spring.
What I do know, or have come to understand, is that if I keep watch on my swings, they need never be as severe as last year's. Not that I won't have some highs and dips, but they do not have to be so awful because I am tuned into myself much more and at every step ask myself, "Is this good for me in terms of self-regulation or is it not"? That has to be how I inform every decision I make, even the most mundane.
So I am taking things slower than I want to, because I'm still trying to figure out this balancing act on the tightrope. I'm constantly adjusting for wind and other forms of resistance, and there is a safety net below, fortunately, in my friends and family.
And it helps so much that it's actually starting to look and feel a bit like Spring.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Suffering in Others
It is so very hard to sit and watch someone you love suffer. This is how it is with my son and his anxieties and fears. I have newfound respect and empathy for my parents as they watched me struggle in a similar fashion as a child. They were stymied by my fears, and I could not articulate them. They sought help, naturally. But OCD was not well known and I couldn't even begin to express the awful demons in my head, so diagnosis was not confirmed until I was in my early 20s and OCD had come out of the closet.
Fortunately for my son, he already has some metacognition about his situation. He knows he has OCD and sees it as something a part from him, that he combats. He named his OCD Adolf Ricochet, which is brilliant if you ask me.
Anyway, we had an intake appointment as a prelude to a full psychological evaluation which is coming up next month. I hate to subject him to the scrutiny of doctors, but we need to know what we're up against. We know he has some issues, but other issues (co-morbid conditions, in psych-speak) are less clear. So we're looking for a differential diagnosis. (Yet more vocab I'm learning) (And I thought I knew therapy!)
It is just challenging to realize that you can't fix your child's problems, that you have to just be there with them to the best of your ability and try to be the calm, assured grown up. This is so much harder than it looks.
The sheer weight of responsibility is a mantle you don the minute your baby is conceived, which you will wear it until you die. That's kind of intense. When I see pregnant women, I just laugh. They have NO idea what they're getting into. You think pregnancy's hard, try the next step. It's the toughest job you'll ever love, to paraphrase an old army/navy slogan. (Or was it for the peace corps? One or the other.)
Toughest job.
Fortunately for my son, he already has some metacognition about his situation. He knows he has OCD and sees it as something a part from him, that he combats. He named his OCD Adolf Ricochet, which is brilliant if you ask me.
Anyway, we had an intake appointment as a prelude to a full psychological evaluation which is coming up next month. I hate to subject him to the scrutiny of doctors, but we need to know what we're up against. We know he has some issues, but other issues (co-morbid conditions, in psych-speak) are less clear. So we're looking for a differential diagnosis. (Yet more vocab I'm learning) (And I thought I knew therapy!)
It is just challenging to realize that you can't fix your child's problems, that you have to just be there with them to the best of your ability and try to be the calm, assured grown up. This is so much harder than it looks.
The sheer weight of responsibility is a mantle you don the minute your baby is conceived, which you will wear it until you die. That's kind of intense. When I see pregnant women, I just laugh. They have NO idea what they're getting into. You think pregnancy's hard, try the next step. It's the toughest job you'll ever love, to paraphrase an old army/navy slogan. (Or was it for the peace corps? One or the other.)
Toughest job.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Positively Engage
I'm noticing that the best way to connect with my family and friends is in the little things. A quick text, hug, or game of cards, all can bring us together, if only briefly. I am trying to be alert to these opportunities as opposed to bemoaning the lack of connection. (See previous post)
In that post, I questioned our screen culture but didn't elaborate. What I find troubling about the screen culture is two-fold: it shortens our tempers and attentiveness because we're always looking for immediate gratification, and often getting it. Two, it is not socializing to all be in a room on a separate screen; too much screen is detrimental to our social skills.
How much is too much? That's a subjective question, and each person has to figure it out on their own, or, if a child, have it imposed on them. I try not to resent the screens but see if they can be used creatively. I just signed up my kids for electronic arts classes--video game programming and animation, respectively. Both classes use computers or tablets of some kind.
Because while I may complain about "screenhead" and too much time spent in front of the computer/iPad, our children need to know how to use the technology that is their present and our future. The job market of the future requires children to be tech savvy. I like the idea of these classes too though because of the creativity. Using technology creatively is brilliant, and does not cause "screenhead" because it serves a larger purpose and you inevitably interact with others while learning how to do it, and in sharing what you've created, and in celebrating each other's creativity.
There will still be plenty of summer days to spend outside, screenless.
In that post, I questioned our screen culture but didn't elaborate. What I find troubling about the screen culture is two-fold: it shortens our tempers and attentiveness because we're always looking for immediate gratification, and often getting it. Two, it is not socializing to all be in a room on a separate screen; too much screen is detrimental to our social skills.
How much is too much? That's a subjective question, and each person has to figure it out on their own, or, if a child, have it imposed on them. I try not to resent the screens but see if they can be used creatively. I just signed up my kids for electronic arts classes--video game programming and animation, respectively. Both classes use computers or tablets of some kind.
Because while I may complain about "screenhead" and too much time spent in front of the computer/iPad, our children need to know how to use the technology that is their present and our future. The job market of the future requires children to be tech savvy. I like the idea of these classes too though because of the creativity. Using technology creatively is brilliant, and does not cause "screenhead" because it serves a larger purpose and you inevitably interact with others while learning how to do it, and in sharing what you've created, and in celebrating each other's creativity.
There will still be plenty of summer days to spend outside, screenless.
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